How to Win Gunfights – HumorOutcasts.com

How many times has this happened to you? You’re minding your own business, when all of a sudden you find yourself in a showdown. Indeed, you’re in a gunfight.

How did this parlous situation occur? Perhaps you blundered into a political discussion. Perhaps you found yourself in a discussion on peace through religion. Maybe you argued too much on whether or not to add pickle juice to potato salad. Or perhaps you both went for the last piece of chocolate cake. Maybe you were at a supermarket getting ingredients for your holiday meal and some oaf is blocking the aisle with his shopping cart and words got said, words that couldn’t be taken back.

Whatever the reason, your getting set for a gunfight. You don’t want to die. The blighter who blocked the aisle nust perish. What do you do to win?

I’m glad you asked.

By all means, get ready to draw. Put your hand on your six shooter,

BUT DO NOT DRAW FIRST!

The person drawing first will actually find himself pulling the gun out of his holster slower than you because he is too busy thinking about when to draw, while you will draw faster because you act on reflax when you see his move.

Do this and you will win every time. You’ll acquire a reputation and shoppers will always, always, more their carts out of the way when you make your way down the aisle.

HOW DO WE KNOW THIS METHOD WORKS?

1)  Linus Pauling, the Nobel Prize Winner, observed all this during the many Western movies he watched. One day, he put his hypothesis to the test. He won every single simulated gunfight with his grad students.

2) Marshall Dillon won every showdown with the guys. Every single episode.

3) I employed this method in the gunfight at the start of the Gunsmoke episodes. I won every showdown. I repeatedly outdrew the great Marshall of the Old West.

THAT’S PROOF YOU CANNOT DENY.

So gun down the other guy. Stay alive by using my gunfighting technique.

You’ll say, “Thank you, Paul.”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.