PALM BEACH, FL—Noticing everyone else’s phone simultaneously buzzing throughout a meeting, Vice President-elect JD Vance began to suspect there was another group chat among Trump’s senior staff that he wasn’t part of, sources confirmed Monday. “It can’t be a coincidence that they all keep looking down at their phones and chuckling at the same time,” said the former Ohio senator, growing increasingly suspicious that he was being excluded after a hard reset on his phone failed to illuminate any connectivity issues. “For the past week or so they’ve been referencing these inside jokes that everyone seems in on except me. I go to all the meetings, so those jokes must be originating from a separate thread. Plus, the group chat I’m on is pretty dead—it seems like no one uses it except me and Lara. And when I tried to make a side group with me, Elon Musk, and Stephen Miller, they both texted back and asked who this was—and when I replied that it was me, JD, I could hear laughter from down the hall. Usha said I’m just being paranoid, but I’m not so sure after that.” At press time, Vance reportedly offered to call his own phone using Susie Wiles’ device so that she could be sure she had the right number, but the incoming chief of staff quickly responded that it would be a security issue.
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